What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 21.06.2025 04:53
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
What does it mean to live "the 'underconsumption' life"?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
If you were a writer for HBO, how would you rewrite the final season of Game of Thrones?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is soul school!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She found it foreign!.
Your daily horoscope: June 17, 2025 - The Globe and Mail
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
What made you feel satisfied about your life today?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
In my experience, British people are fat, ugly and arrogant. Why is it and can it be changed?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She wouldn,t have been !
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why did my ex move on so quickly?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
When did you realize that your childhood was not normal?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I never cut or harmed myself..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Was to survive, this bastard.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I could never make a relationship work though!
She married twice! .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Who then, do I blame.?
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was 9 years of age.
So, i spoilt her more .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So whats the point in blame.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Would this be the day?
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was seconnd youngest,
We all went to grammer schools
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And i lived it daily.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was very sick at this time too.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Put me off passion for life!!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
All the time i was locked up.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
What did i know ?
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My life is so biszare .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Comes on , in middle age.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I think the readers, may guess!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My family never makes their pension either.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I don,t even have a pension.
I will be 64.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But ive been too sick for many years..
But it wasn’t much.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One cannot live in the past .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She loved him until the end.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
When she asked me how she looked .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But, we were locked up after school.
I said to her
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He knew the spot.
We were not on the streets..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im still living with it.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She was in good health!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I have no regrets .
I was scared of men, in general
Especially a lifetime of it.
Ive learnt so much.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I write beautiful poetry .
It was going to be , some day.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I waited trembling.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Why did i forgive my father ?